I’ve used piano to express my deepest, darkest emotions. At the most difficult points in my life, it has given me a sense of clarity and release in the midst of tension and strain.

I used piano to express my emotions because I wanted to be heard from my parents, my teachers, and my classmates, and most of all, from myself, though I didn’t know that yet. I was taught very early on that my preferences didn’t matter relative to what other people wanted, and that I shouldn’t speak up when I have something to say because it wasn’t nice to make other people uncomfortable.

I was taught to shut up and hold in, rather than express feelings out, and that has resulted in many personal issues dealing with expressing emotions in general, and it has made for a difficult road in life for me and being a happy person.

Mom and dad were reserved and kept their emotions closed in as well, and in that way they were my teachers. I learned to be just like them, and to not be so vibrant and joyful as I was feeling at the time, even though I felt joyful inside. It’s not their fault though. That’s how they were raised too. Dad was raised as the oldest child in a strict catholic family, and my mom was raised to always smile and be nice, and to get along with other people by suppressing her own needs. I learned to do that too.

So the piano and music were my first go to when I wanted to be heard by other people, and to say what I wanted to say in my early teens. My highest priority in self-expression has ALWAYS been that, to say what I want to say.

Nothing really matters except the answer to the implied question there–“Did I say what I wanted to say?”

Be Heard

To live and not be heard is the greatest waste of life and potential, because usually you’re not expressing who you are. If you’re not expressing who you are, then why would you even want to be here in the world? The results of not expressing yourself are hard to deal with, and will crush your soul if you let it.

If the answer is no to “Did I say what I wanted to say?” and I leave the piano, or the conversation, or my work, without saying what I wanted to say, then I truly didn’t do my job properly, and it needs to be finished. I need to say what I want to say, otherwise I know it will be far worse down the line for me weeks, months, or years after.

Through piano I was finally be able to EXPRESS the happiness, joy, anger, frustration, sadness, surprise, disbelief, love, and confidence and strength that I’d never got to express (or very rarely had got to express). What you play has to mean something to you, or again, what’s the point in playing at all? If you’re not saying what you want to say, through dance, through music, in your work, or through other ways of expressing yourself, then you won’t feel calm and peaceful and full inside of love (or something close) by the end of it.

I believe in telling my story defiantly in a world that wants me to shut up, to keep quiet, and to hold my emotions inside myself, where they inevitably create all kinds of sickness and fester into problems in my life. Obviously I am talking about myself, but I’m really talking about you too, since it’s a universal phenomenon that not expressing yourself creates dis-ease. The world doesn’t give a shit about your emotions or whether your life will take a turn for the positive if you’re allowed to express them, or even often how many lives you can effect if you do. It would so much rather see you shut down, holed up inside yourself and throw away the key, rather than you beating down the doors of prison, and staging a rebellion with the might of your voice, so that it shines so clear that it shatters the prison walls like a glass house hit by a stone thrown with intentions.

Do you feel that clenching inability to express yourself in daily situations at work, at school, or in your family for the fear of the consequences? For the fear of consequences for saying how you ACTUALLY FEEL, but are scared of being ignored, dodged, or secretly shut down more for even bringing it up?

“We don’t want to hear what you have to say. Go somewhere else with your ‘Big ideas.’ That’s all they are, ‘Big Ideas.’ Get out of here, because what you say is completely unhelpful for us, and we already know everything you think you might have to offer. Your insights and perspectives are worthless to us, so don’t bother.

Thanks.”

Choose the Path

That is the big message I got from the world around me, but when it comes down to it, the choice is to either shut up, keep quiet, and be depressed and anxious for the rest of your life, or to take another approach, and open your mouth, scream your truth, and be expressive and energetic as yourself, affecting the people and world around you. Because in life it often looks like there are two choices, and in this case, that you have a choice to either express yourself, or suffer the consequences in terms of happiness. But that is a fallacy, because not expressing yourself has such an effect on your happiness and contentment that there is no possible way you would ever pick that road if you weren’t forced on it in the first place.

Whatever medium you use to express yourself, it allows you to scream your truth (or whisper, if that’s what you choose), roar until you can roar no more, and feel empty in the sense that you’ve expressed yourself to the the fullest, and with that emptiness feel fulfilled because you know you couldn’t eke out one more ounce of yourself into this world than you already did in that previous moment of expressing.

That is how you truly express yourself, and screaming your truth and fully committing to expressing yourself to every last drop is the way to really hit this world with everything you’ve got.

I like that saying, now that I think about it:

Express yourself until you’re empty and say what you want to say. Fulfillment will come naturally as a result.

For someone who has trouble expressing their emotions, this is a godsend. Find your medium of self-expression that allows you to get what you want to get out, out, and GET–IT–OUT. GET, IT, OUT…!!!!

If you answer no to that question, “Did I say what I wanted to say?,” do what it takes until you can say “Yes,” and show who you are.